What Is Happening To Me!? #NepalQuake

Anxiety? Trauma? PTSD? It’s all in the head? Asthma? Hole in heart?

Rough day today.

I was startled awake by a noise in my bedroom. It was the noise of my bedroom’s closet door sliding shut. But I didn’t immediately know what it was.

1st thought: Sounds like a train. Earthquake?
2nd thought: Yes, earthquake! (Fight or flight?) PANIC.
3rd thought: Jolt awake and sit up on my bed. That’s when I saw it was mom closing my bedroom’s closet door.
4th thought: Huge adrelanine rush + frustration

That’s not an ideal way to start the day at 6am, especially considering that I had just gone to sleep a couple hours earlier at 4am after a night of editing and polishing my drafts.

Ugh.

I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn’t.

My heart was beating, um actually, it was racing. The closet in my room has a sliding wooden door, with wheels. The sound of the door rolling instantly triggered a subconscious reponse from the M7.3 earthquake on May 12, which I can only describe as sounding like a train.

I tossed and turned in bed, trying desperately to fall asleep to catch up on much needed sleep. But, nope.

I woke up.

Today I was scheduled to finally see a doctor for something that had been troubling me for the past few days.

You’re thinking: “Doctor? Why? What’s up Amrit?”

I haven’t been able to breathe deeply. It’s weird. I can breathe in, but can’t continously breathe out. I can’t even yawn at all. It’s like a yaaaaaaaaw-, and that’s it.

I don’t know what could be causing that, and didn’t know if it was serious (or not), so a doctor’s visit was in order.

Doctor:
Blood pressure: Normal
Heart + Lungs: Normal
Precaution: Let’s do some tests.

Hospital:
I stopped by the local hospital and had my blood drawn and chest x-ray taken. I paid about $14 and picked up the reports a few hours later. (Side note for my American friends: Yup. Blood tests + X-ray + 8 hour turn around = $14)

Test Results

Blood Haemoglobin:
Within normal range.
Blood Leukoecyte:
Within normal range.
Blood Creatinine:
Within normal range.

Chest X-ray: Normal.

Well that’s frustrating. I know something is wrong with me, right? But why are all the tests normal.

Fear

Part One
I’m not afraid of earthquakes. Really. I don’t fear the damage to our house or our neighborhood with these aftershocks. Thinking about it rationally, the M7.8, M6.7 and M7.3 earthquake did almost no damage to our house, the neighborhood, and anywhere within a kilometer radius of our house, with the exception of a few collapsed walls. So an aftershock that’s M6.5 or below more than likely won’t do anything new here (unless of course, the epicenter is right here in Kathmandu, in which case, we will have much bigger issues than we’ve seen in the last 5 weeks.)

Part Two
I’m not “on edge.” I’m not paranoid or worried about an upcoming earthquake. I’ve read the weekly USGS Advisory Briefings and the odds of a M7.0 or higher quake is less than 1 in a 1000. And, the odds of a M6.0 are also relatively low, and as I said above, I don’t expect any additional damage in this local neighborhood. So logically thinking about it, I’m safe and there’s no need to be worried about a quake. But having said that, when I realize that an earthquake (M5.0 or higher) is happening, then I won’t be able thinking rationally or logically. My limbic brain will take over to try to keep me alive in a potentially life-threatening situation. My neocortex won’t have anything to do during those few seconds or couple minutes.

Part Three
But, the problem is sounds! Sounds are terrifying, especially any unexpected and loud bump or thuds, or anything that remotely sounds like a train. Any unexpected loud thud takes me right back to the moment I experienced the M7.3 earthquake. As I write these words, it sounds (no pun intended) so much like a trigger to the trauma of the earthquake. It resembled what I’ve read or heard about PTSD in soldiers, although I’m sure that is much more terrifying. And here’s the thing… when I hear a sudden sound, it’s an incredibly quick and very subconscious reflex that associates it with a earthquake happening right now. There’s no conscious thinking involved here. There’s no conscious recollection/flashback of the M7.3 earthquake, but a very subconscious “fight or flight” trigger that my limbic brain reacts to.

Ian Bremmer once tweeted that:
“Terror is in the anticipation, not in the boom.”

I’ve been thinking about those words since I came to Nepal on April 26, because I see it all around me. When it comes to earthquakes:

Terror is in the anticipation, not in the shake.

Archived embed

/a on Twitter

But in my case,

Terror is neither in the anticipation nor the shake, but the false positives of an earthquake.

I can’t speak for others, and what they are going through. But this is an honest train of thought of what I’m feeling.

I know that many people are in constantly “on edge” as they expect another major earthquake to hit us again, and many other people FEEL like the ground beneath them and the building around them are constantly shaking. I don’t feel that way.

I get riled up with false positives, and the most frequent trigger for me is sounds, loud and unexpected sounds.

Post-Earthquake trauma is very real. The New York Times has covered this in the past couple days quite well. Here’s one article:

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The New York Times on Twitter

Let’s wrap this up. I still can’t breathe deeply or yawn. It’s frustrating. I don’t know if it’s a medical condition, or it’s anxiety. My lungs could be filled with dust from Kathmandu’s rubble (even though I wore a mask at all times), or whether spending a few months in Delhi this year has affected my breathing. According to WHO, Delhi’s has the worst air pollution for a city in the world.

What else could it be? I haven’t been eating very healthy lately. I eat at home, which is mom’s delicious high-carb Indian food. Plus, I spend a LOT of time sitting on a chair and typing away on blog posts. But I also do walk around a lot every day.

Bed time: I took my trusted yellow notebook and a pen to bed and jotted down notes for this blog post less than 30 minutes ago. But I couldn’t wait to put these thoughts into a blog and publish it. So here I am tapping away on my keyboard.

It’s also fitting because it’s a day in my life as I’m going to bed now, about 16 hours after I was startled awake by that sound.

P.S. Despite the medical questions and health roller coaster, I had a very productive day today. I had a meeting with the Khusi Hona relief organization in the morning, and then interviewed a nurse from New York City who just returned from a remote village in Sindupalchowk District yesterday after spending a week there assisting the local health center.

Oh oh oh, one last thing, I’ve been hustling very hard for the past 2 weeks to get special access to something really special. I got a text message a couple hours ago that I made it through. I should have a very exciting (and exclusive) look at something tomorrow. I hope that’s vague enough for you.

I’m off to bed. Good night and good luck.

Much love!

Update 48 hours later:
I took a 25mg pill of Alprazolam (aka Xanax) the next evening, but that didn’t do anything for me. Today I feel more shortness of breath. But inhale through nose and exhale through mouth seems to help.

Update 72 hours later:
Today I feel better, even though I didn’t take any meds. I haven’t had to yawn yet, but I can breathe deeply and haven’t noticed any problem with it.